Lord

i think im going insane...

Seperation

My writing really does say it. It tells what my heart longs to shout. So seperated am I, between my mind and my heart. I follow my thoughts on a daily basis, not my heart. I lock that thing away, so that it can not interfere with my normal life. I supress all the feelings and emotions to the best of my ability, letting only those that, for the most part, can not harm to the surface. At some points though, it becomes too much, and my carefully structured world comes crashing down upon me. My mind becomes an instrument for my heart, writing out what my soul only wishes it could scream. Such is the content of my art. My stories. My poems. The secrets which I hold that plug up the holes in my heart. The feelings that I do not allow myself to feel. The fears that plague my every hope. The things that shouldn't and normally are not acted upon. My heart is tearing itself to shreds, trying to release all it can, while my mind looks the other way. Such is my life. My mind and logic rule me over the day until my heart takes over during the night, spilling out my gut. What a hopeless mess.

Safe

A feeling of comfort
Nothing more
Safety is a fleeting thing

Just the way his hand felt
Pressed against mine
Finger tips entwined

How I longed for that hand
To stay close to me
Never leaving me behind

I could take on the world
With his hand in mine
Giving me much needed strength

I felt safe together with him
Oblivious to the world around
The list of issues growing in length

But a feeling of comfort
Nothing more
Safety is a fleeting thing

I thought I held him close
To the fire of my heart
Warm and here to stay

Close so that he wouldnt leave
The warmth of his hand
Slowly fading away

I felt fingers untangle
The heat begin to leave
The slip of his hand from mine own

The panic engulfed me
The fear that he would go
To leave me all alone

Don't leave me yet
I don't have my legs
Sturdy on the ground

I try and grab hold
His nimble fingers
Silently dancing around

Grasping and grabbing
Unable to hold on
To that which is not there

One last attempt
I grasp with my hand
Feeling the empty air

A feeling of comfort
Nothing more
Safety is a fleeting thing

Realizations on "The Breezeway"

So I gave that poem to my English teacher to look over and then discuss with me, and he came up with some pretty profound insights. We first went over the title of the piece itself, The Breezeway. We talked about what a breezeway actually was at first, how it is just like a hallway that allows the passage of the breeze between bulidings and such. We then however, began to take into consideration the title in relation to the poem. The poem he said, was like that of a love poem, which in a sense it was a little bit, but at the end, it turned into something a little more complicated. The verse, "It dawns on me that I will never be alone, that people such as he will always be there to see me through all times" seemed to him having more of a temporary feel to it. As if right now it's this boy, but there will always be others to take his place. And at this point, the title comes into play. The breezeway allows the breeze to come and go, never stopping or waiting, constantly passing by. In relating that to the poem, it would be saying something to the effect that boys come into my life and then leave with the wind and I assume that another one will just blow in, and so the cycle would continue. Was this poem about just another lover? Keep in mind, this is all speculation, and by no means did I intend the interpreted ideas to be reached, but it is definitely food for thought. Is some of it true?

Curious...

How most all of my poems are based upon love or sadness. Even stranger is the fact that I can't normally write unless I'm feeling one of those two emotions. Hmmmmm...

What I can't tell you

Cold, sitting in a dark room.
Can't anyone see,
That little girl,
With her knees up and
Tears streaming in a darkened room

Everyone passes,
No one can see.
The little girl sits waiting
For the one chance at freedom
Release from this pressure

She sinks,
No one to listen,
No one to hear,
Her crying in that dark room

Do you realize

Hearing your voice.
It's like birds singing.
My heart
It melts
Longing to hear one more word.
Do you realize?

Realize how much I like you?
Realize that this is new for me too?
Do you know I make mistakes
And that I don't realize I do?
Do you realize?

I see you
In pictures,
And long to see you
face-to-face.
It breaks my heart
How busy we both are,
But
Do you realize?

Have I made myself clear?
Do I need to repeat?
I don't know how to put it
And I wish I did,
But
Do You Realize?

The sparkle in my eye.
I haven't seen the light is so long.
Yet you come and I see!
I truely see!
Do You Realize?

Now I wonder,
Do You see?
My feelings are open.
You hurt
I hurt.
You laugh,
I laugh.
Do You Realize?!

Gone

There are some things you can’t associate with words
They are just,
Indescribable
Like the way I feel
It’s not just one thing
It’s a combination
An endless struggle within myself
Unmentionable feelings that eat away at me
Leaving only a hollow shell
Memories that best be forgotten
Resurface and scar
They drain me until nothing’s left
Forever rotting
As if life itself was tormenting me
But nothing can be done
It just builds and builds
The intolerable pain,
The pain of loss,
The loss of love,
The love of none
Moments of happiness come and go
But never stay for long
They disappear just as suddenly as they come
Nothing is constant
Only turmoil resides
I feel weak
I feel old
I feel empty
Looking back only makes it harder to go forward
The warmth is gone
Sleepless nights leave me cold and alone
I feel as if impending disaster is near
So close
But biding its time for the grand finale
Waiting for the perfect moment to strike
The moment to ruin my life
And yet make it perfect
I am scared yet anxious
Relieved for the end
But pained to watch it go
But the relief of being free is overpowering
The need to leave all the
Anger
Sadness
Disappointment
Heartbreak
Longing
Regret
Shame
Incompetence
Foolishness
And pressure
Behind

Strange

What is it that connects us to other people? You may meet someone and a bond is formed, with no confirmation on either end. It's just there. There's no agreement that you will become important to one another, it's just understood and accepted without question. With some people, it's instant. With others, it may not happen at all. What discriminates who will be admitted into your life? It seems to me that it is so often wrong. Half of the people it lets into your heart end up hurting you in some way. It may not be love in the strongest sense of the word, but that feeling is present. And when someone you care about leaves, a little part of you shrivels away. Why do we care about people? Not exactly love, but feel strongly about. The people who you least expect to have an impact on you do, and you can't help but wonder why you are drawn to them. There doesnt seem to be any correlation between the types of people that you care about. They have just touched you in some way that one finds it impossible to explain. Why do we worry for them? Even when they tell me not to, or that everything is alright, I cant rid myself of the feeling of dread, of worry, of love. It's as if they are a part of me that I can't bear to loose. I stress myself out over them and lie awake at night thinking about them and hoping that everything is truely okay. All this worry takes a toll that most people can't see. It drains someone to the point where they have no energy left for themselves. And what do they get back for it? Nothing.

The Breezeway

The sun slowly dips down
Many hours are left
Though time seems to fly
On invisible wings

The breeze is crisp
Blowing the clouds
Across the sky,
Carrying the promise
Of a later rain

The sound of smooth jazz
Echoes through the breezeway
Lending the listener
The feeling of serenity

We just sit there
Enveloped in our thoughts
I with mine
He with his

The questions
The feelings
The hopes
The fears
Churning about

Uncertainty
Mixed with anticipation
Curiosity
Together with understanding

The wind blows my hair
In front of my eyes
As I move it back
I see him watching

He says nothing
But at the same time
Everything
Just watching me

He sits across from me
Leaning back in the cold iron chair
One hand resting under his chin
In complete and utter stillness

His black shoes are worn
From hundreds of miles of walking
With bits of dried mud and water
That also sat in spots along my pants

His legs stretch outwards
With only a small crook in the knee
The slightly faded jeans
Giving a sense of casualness

His shirt is covered by a jacket
One that I had seen him wear many a time before
Now zipped up
Blocking the chilly air

His face is thoughtful
The gust of wind
Blowing his brown hair in front of his eyes
Eyes the color of chocolate

They draw you in
As deep as wells
But as you fall into them,
You feel suspended
As if time itself stops

As my gaze meets his
He leans forward
Assuming the position
Of Rodin’s “Thinker”

I feel so transparent
As if he can see right through me
Read the thoughts
Flitting through my mind

I am content,
However strange that may be,
If he sees what I think
I have nothing to hide

As I walk past him
To another chair
His arms wrap around me
Pulling me in close

He holds me to him
As one would a child
Keeping me warm
Out of the onslaught of the cold

It’s a simple gesture
But not one to be overlooked
To be that close to someone
Is worth more than most realize

A stream of air sneaks through my jacket
Making me tense up
All he does
Is hug me tighter

It dawns on me
That I will never be alone
That people such as him
Will always be there
To see me through all times

To lift me up when I fall,
To bring me out of the clouds
When I get too close to the sun,
To tease me just to make me laugh,
To hold me when I need it most

Times such as this,
When their care for you shows,
Are the times that make life
Worth living for

In his arms,
I know that I am safe