Back

When the days are too hard and the nights too rough
I go back, back, back
Back to the place where it all began

Back to the days filled with innocence and play
A time when dreams, dreams, dreams
Dreams were never too far away

Back to the red house with the stone steps and white linen sheets
Stairs that would creak, creak, creak
Creak with the pitter-patter of tiny feet

Back to the humid summer days with cicadas and sun
Listening to their chirp, chirp, chirp
Chirp until the day is done

Back to the woods with their mystery and awe
Getting spooked by crows, crows, crows
Crows with raspy high-pitched caws

Still need to finish...

Ballad of the Heart

Boys, boys, boys. Whatever can I do?
Each of them I gave my heart, and they tore it through and through.

First there was the athlete. Tall, strong, and fine.
I thought I never had a chance, but wrong I was this time.
Things went well for quite a while, six months to be exact.
But slowly things began to fade and we dropped the silly act.

Second was the trickster, full of cunning, deception, and lies.
Telling me sweet nothings, to ease my heart's lonely cries.
How much I wanted to believe, that all he said was true
But when I found I was just a prize, that really would not do.

Third was the overzealous flirt, whom every chance he'd get,
Would force his lips against my skin, and squeeze me half to death.
He did not care for what I thought, only for my looks instead.
And so he then confessed to me, he wanted me in his bed.

Boys, boys, boys. There's not much I can say.
Each of them I gave my heart, and they hurt me in some way.

Fourth along was the player with his confidence and style.
He had no need to really try; he hooked me with a smile.
The things he said sounded so nice, but he did not follow through
He let me down. I had so much hope. My heart, it broke in two.

Fifth of course was the Frenchman, a friend of years before.
Accompanying me to the Homecoming dance, he became a quite bit more.
Again I heard the words of affection, but the actions did not show.
I finally had had enough and regretfully let him go.

Sixth came the best friend, who stood by me all those times.
He helped me face the hurt I felt from the others and their crimes.
He always wanted to be together; with that love, he smothered me.
I could not breathe. I needed out. I told him to let me be.

Boys, boys, boys. I can't help but love them still.
Each of them I gave my heart and they waited for their kill.

And now I come across number seven, a lucky number indeed.
I want to continue along this path, but am afraid where it may lead.
Seven is a decent guy, with wit, and smarts, and charm
And there is a peace I can only find, when I am in his arms.

Shall I go forth in blind trust, and see what seven will bring?
Or should I just build a wall and consider it a fling?
Could it be he really feels the way I feel for him?
Or am I just another girl he wanted on a whim?

Boys, boys, boys. The choice is up to you.
My heart, I am willing to give. What will you now do?

Lord

i think im going insane...

Seperation

My writing really does say it. It tells what my heart longs to shout. So seperated am I, between my mind and my heart. I follow my thoughts on a daily basis, not my heart. I lock that thing away, so that it can not interfere with my normal life. I supress all the feelings and emotions to the best of my ability, letting only those that, for the most part, can not harm to the surface. At some points though, it becomes too much, and my carefully structured world comes crashing down upon me. My mind becomes an instrument for my heart, writing out what my soul only wishes it could scream. Such is the content of my art. My stories. My poems. The secrets which I hold that plug up the holes in my heart. The feelings that I do not allow myself to feel. The fears that plague my every hope. The things that shouldn't and normally are not acted upon. My heart is tearing itself to shreds, trying to release all it can, while my mind looks the other way. Such is my life. My mind and logic rule me over the day until my heart takes over during the night, spilling out my gut. What a hopeless mess.

Safe

A feeling of comfort
Nothing more
Safety is a fleeting thing

Just the way his hand felt
Pressed against mine
Finger tips entwined

How I longed for that hand
To stay close to me
Never leaving me behind

I could take on the world
With his hand in mine
Giving me much needed strength

I felt safe together with him
Oblivious to the world around
The list of issues growing in length

But a feeling of comfort
Nothing more
Safety is a fleeting thing

I thought I held him close
To the fire of my heart
Warm and here to stay

Close so that he wouldnt leave
The warmth of his hand
Slowly fading away

I felt fingers untangle
The heat begin to leave
The slip of his hand from mine own

The panic engulfed me
The fear that he would go
To leave me all alone

Don't leave me yet
I don't have my legs
Sturdy on the ground

I try and grab hold
His nimble fingers
Silently dancing around

Grasping and grabbing
Unable to hold on
To that which is not there

One last attempt
I grasp with my hand
Feeling the empty air

A feeling of comfort
Nothing more
Safety is a fleeting thing

Realizations on "The Breezeway"

So I gave that poem to my English teacher to look over and then discuss with me, and he came up with some pretty profound insights. We first went over the title of the piece itself, The Breezeway. We talked about what a breezeway actually was at first, how it is just like a hallway that allows the passage of the breeze between bulidings and such. We then however, began to take into consideration the title in relation to the poem. The poem he said, was like that of a love poem, which in a sense it was a little bit, but at the end, it turned into something a little more complicated. The verse, "It dawns on me that I will never be alone, that people such as he will always be there to see me through all times" seemed to him having more of a temporary feel to it. As if right now it's this boy, but there will always be others to take his place. And at this point, the title comes into play. The breezeway allows the breeze to come and go, never stopping or waiting, constantly passing by. In relating that to the poem, it would be saying something to the effect that boys come into my life and then leave with the wind and I assume that another one will just blow in, and so the cycle would continue. Was this poem about just another lover? Keep in mind, this is all speculation, and by no means did I intend the interpreted ideas to be reached, but it is definitely food for thought. Is some of it true?

Curious...

How most all of my poems are based upon love or sadness. Even stranger is the fact that I can't normally write unless I'm feeling one of those two emotions. Hmmmmm...

What I can't tell you

Cold, sitting in a dark room.
Can't anyone see,
That little girl,
With her knees up and
Tears streaming in a darkened room

Everyone passes,
No one can see.
The little girl sits waiting
For the one chance at freedom
Release from this pressure

She sinks,
No one to listen,
No one to hear,
Her crying in that dark room

Do you realize

Hearing your voice.
It's like birds singing.
My heart
It melts
Longing to hear one more word.
Do you realize?

Realize how much I like you?
Realize that this is new for me too?
Do you know I make mistakes
And that I don't realize I do?
Do you realize?

I see you
In pictures,
And long to see you
face-to-face.
It breaks my heart
How busy we both are,
But
Do you realize?

Have I made myself clear?
Do I need to repeat?
I don't know how to put it
And I wish I did,
But
Do You Realize?

The sparkle in my eye.
I haven't seen the light is so long.
Yet you come and I see!
I truely see!
Do You Realize?

Now I wonder,
Do You see?
My feelings are open.
You hurt
I hurt.
You laugh,
I laugh.
Do You Realize?!

Gone

There are some things you can’t associate with words
They are just,
Indescribable
Like the way I feel
It’s not just one thing
It’s a combination
An endless struggle within myself
Unmentionable feelings that eat away at me
Leaving only a hollow shell
Memories that best be forgotten
Resurface and scar
They drain me until nothing’s left
Forever rotting
As if life itself was tormenting me
But nothing can be done
It just builds and builds
The intolerable pain,
The pain of loss,
The loss of love,
The love of none
Moments of happiness come and go
But never stay for long
They disappear just as suddenly as they come
Nothing is constant
Only turmoil resides
I feel weak
I feel old
I feel empty
Looking back only makes it harder to go forward
The warmth is gone
Sleepless nights leave me cold and alone
I feel as if impending disaster is near
So close
But biding its time for the grand finale
Waiting for the perfect moment to strike
The moment to ruin my life
And yet make it perfect
I am scared yet anxious
Relieved for the end
But pained to watch it go
But the relief of being free is overpowering
The need to leave all the
Anger
Sadness
Disappointment
Heartbreak
Longing
Regret
Shame
Incompetence
Foolishness
And pressure
Behind

Strange

What is it that connects us to other people? You may meet someone and a bond is formed, with no confirmation on either end. It's just there. There's no agreement that you will become important to one another, it's just understood and accepted without question. With some people, it's instant. With others, it may not happen at all. What discriminates who will be admitted into your life? It seems to me that it is so often wrong. Half of the people it lets into your heart end up hurting you in some way. It may not be love in the strongest sense of the word, but that feeling is present. And when someone you care about leaves, a little part of you shrivels away. Why do we care about people? Not exactly love, but feel strongly about. The people who you least expect to have an impact on you do, and you can't help but wonder why you are drawn to them. There doesnt seem to be any correlation between the types of people that you care about. They have just touched you in some way that one finds it impossible to explain. Why do we worry for them? Even when they tell me not to, or that everything is alright, I cant rid myself of the feeling of dread, of worry, of love. It's as if they are a part of me that I can't bear to loose. I stress myself out over them and lie awake at night thinking about them and hoping that everything is truely okay. All this worry takes a toll that most people can't see. It drains someone to the point where they have no energy left for themselves. And what do they get back for it? Nothing.

The Breezeway

The sun slowly dips down
Many hours are left
Though time seems to fly
On invisible wings

The breeze is crisp
Blowing the clouds
Across the sky,
Carrying the promise
Of a later rain

The sound of smooth jazz
Echoes through the breezeway
Lending the listener
The feeling of serenity

We just sit there
Enveloped in our thoughts
I with mine
He with his

The questions
The feelings
The hopes
The fears
Churning about

Uncertainty
Mixed with anticipation
Curiosity
Together with understanding

The wind blows my hair
In front of my eyes
As I move it back
I see him watching

He says nothing
But at the same time
Everything
Just watching me

He sits across from me
Leaning back in the cold iron chair
One hand resting under his chin
In complete and utter stillness

His black shoes are worn
From hundreds of miles of walking
With bits of dried mud and water
That also sat in spots along my pants

His legs stretch outwards
With only a small crook in the knee
The slightly faded jeans
Giving a sense of casualness

His shirt is covered by a jacket
One that I had seen him wear many a time before
Now zipped up
Blocking the chilly air

His face is thoughtful
The gust of wind
Blowing his brown hair in front of his eyes
Eyes the color of chocolate

They draw you in
As deep as wells
But as you fall into them,
You feel suspended
As if time itself stops

As my gaze meets his
He leans forward
Assuming the position
Of Rodin’s “Thinker”

I feel so transparent
As if he can see right through me
Read the thoughts
Flitting through my mind

I am content,
However strange that may be,
If he sees what I think
I have nothing to hide

As I walk past him
To another chair
His arms wrap around me
Pulling me in close

He holds me to him
As one would a child
Keeping me warm
Out of the onslaught of the cold

It’s a simple gesture
But not one to be overlooked
To be that close to someone
Is worth more than most realize

A stream of air sneaks through my jacket
Making me tense up
All he does
Is hug me tighter

It dawns on me
That I will never be alone
That people such as him
Will always be there
To see me through all times

To lift me up when I fall,
To bring me out of the clouds
When I get too close to the sun,
To tease me just to make me laugh,
To hold me when I need it most

Times such as this,
When their care for you shows,
Are the times that make life
Worth living for

In his arms,
I know that I am safe

Scream

Scream
Bang against the chains
Chains that restrain me
To this chair.

Cry
Tears run down my cheeks
Knowing I can't say words
Not even wanting to see.

Thinking
Of you
You made me fly
Now my wings are clipped.

Happiness
What are you talking about?
You took that away
When you tore my heart out.

Love
It doesn't exist in this world
This world of numbness
where I am chained.

You
Left me here
Chained in my own despair
With nothing left to hold on to.

The Boy with the Blue Eyes

There he was
Standing right beside me
Walking slowly
Full of confidence and relaxation
Keeping my pace
His arms lay by his side
In a state of casual comfort
His crisp white t-shirt gave his skin a tanned look
The kind you would expect to see on a surfer
It gave him a warm, inviting appearance
The light was perfect
It lit up his long blonde curls
Casting a glimmer of gold
Disheveled as it was
It looked as good as any other day
If not better
His lips were parted in smile that almost made all my practiced poise melt away
One of those smiles that could flip your world
It reached all the way to his eyes
His striking blue eyes were full of laughter
If one were to ask me what my favorite color was
I would say the icy blue of his eyes
At some moments they would be full of such resonating joy
Lighting them up, the color of the sky
At others, they were cold and indifferent
Giving them a bluish-gray tone
They could be filled with thought too
Having the appearance of a baby blue
At the moment, the were looking at me intently
Stealing my breath away
Filling my stomach with butterflies
That was the same look he gave me while we were watching that movie in English
Filled with curiosity
But at the same time with content
I was trapped in them
Held as if turned to stone by Medusa's gaze
Trying to keep my composure
He threw his head back in laughter
A pleasing, attractive sound that made me feel safe
All I wanted was to take a picture of that moment and keep it forever
Reminding me of all the fun we had
And the excitement of what was to come.

My Best Friend

The bright specs of light
Hold my gaze
As I stare at the night sky.

The moon is full,
Heavy with majesty,
A shining beacon of tranquility.

The hum of the freeway
Resonates in my ears.
The pulse of society
Is not the only one tonight.
A heartbeat is just as loud

I lay there,
Listening.
His beat slow,
But sure.

The rhythm
Of the rise and fall of his chest
As he breathes.

The warmth of his hand
As he strokes my cheek.

The tickle of his breath
As it skims across my ear.

An involuntary shiver
Snakes down my spine.
He pulls me in,
Wraps his arms around me,
And whispers
Cold?
I nuzzle myself
Against him.

His hand tilts my head up
So that all I can see
Are the blue orbs
Of his eyes.

My heart quickens.
He looks down at me
With an expression
One can only call reverence.

Full of compassion
And respect.
Strength
And confidence.

He leans towards me
His lips graze my forehead
He rests his cheek against mine
And in a slow whisper
Says six little words,

I love you,
And always will

March

This month is going to be devoted to poems I have written in the past. About people I have loved, some whom I have lost. About life. About anything and everything.

Reflections

Why is it...
that when you find someone that means the world to you, they always end up leaving it?
that people say things happen for a reason, but you never find out what that reason was?
that the things we want most in life are the hardest to get?
that the biggest mistakes we make are the ones that could have been avoided?
that the ones we love the most are the ones that cause the most pain?
that when people walk out of our lives, they take a part of out heart with them?
that the best moments in our lives only last for a couple of seconds or minutes?
that we change for the people who, in the end, dont matter?
that we try so hard to make ourselves worthy in others eyes?
that when we do our best, people tell us its not good enough?
that we go out of our comfort zone to make someone else happy?
that we try to please others?
that we try to give a lasting impression?
that once we get what we want, we always want more?
that bad things happen to good people?
that some things just scar you for life, while others just fade into the past?
that just as you become happy, the real world comes crashing down on you?
that you cant forget the bad things youve done?
that the past haunts you to no end?
that I cant forget about all those bad days?
that I cant move on?
that I cant forget?
that I cant give up?
that I cant stop dreaming?
that I cant stop hoping?

Keep it going

Just when you think you've lost it all, life finds a way of surprising you. No joke. I've been shooting like crap for the last month because I started learning this new method, the BEST method. So my form had to completely change. I would show up for practice one day and the coach, Kisik Lee, or one of the resident archers would tell me that I was doing something completely wrong. So every weekend, I would be changing things around again, trying to find something that would please them but feel comfortable for me as well. Last night, I went to the shop I have been shooting at for 3 years in order to help out at the archery classes and practice my shooting. I probably hit the target only 20 times that night. I felt so screwed up. Today though, I had a competition down where the resident archers are and I was shooting incredibly. It was actually the highest I had ever shot for that type of competition. I was amazed. I ended up winning 1st place with a score of 640/720. Then Coach Lee tells my mom that he wants me to attend the Dream Team camp that was coming up in March. Only the best shooters who may become future Olympians are part of the team. I was introduced to Brady Ellison, one of my hero's, as well. Life really has a sick sense of humor.

That Feeling

I hate it. It's like I did something I wasn't supposed to do...but I didn't. I feel like my shomach is twisted in knots. Wrapping itself around again and again. What did I do? I didn't do anything wrong. My mind can't stop running. Scenes upon scenes of my day roll through my head, over and over. It won't stop. I can't sit still. I must do something. But when I try and occupy myself, I can't concentrate. Am I forgetting something? My homework lies unfinished on my desk. I can't do it. I can't even add an equation without getting frustrated and giving up. I feel like I should be asking for forgiveness...but from whom? The Lord? My friends? My parents? Things keep racing through my thoughts. Regrets, promises, hopes, disappointments. Endlessly going. Why won't they stop? I feel like crying. My hands are shaking. What is wrong with me? My head feels like it's going to explode. What's happening? I'm not sick. I'm perfectly healthy. I feel exhausted, but I can't sleep. Images keep me awake. Friends laughing. Movie nights. Paintballing. Shows. Games. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm falling into an abyss. Never ending. What am I regretting? What brought this on? Is the line between right and wrong becoming grayer? Am I going insane? Slowly losing my grasp on society? Retreating into a shell of isolation? No. I can't let that happen again. Never again. I don't want that pain. The longing to be someone when I know I'm not. I don't want to be that again. Something is eating away at me. What is it? It's going to drive me mad. I can't stop thinking. I think I'm losing it....

It is Done

So, today I decided I would create a blog. I had heard many people talk about them and I thought to myself, "Heck, I could do that. Why not?" So here I am. Trying out, yet again, something new. Maybe I'll like it. Maybe I won't. Only time will tell.