Reflections

Why is it...
that when you find someone that means the world to you, they always end up leaving it?
that people say things happen for a reason, but you never find out what that reason was?
that the things we want most in life are the hardest to get?
that the biggest mistakes we make are the ones that could have been avoided?
that the ones we love the most are the ones that cause the most pain?
that when people walk out of our lives, they take a part of out heart with them?
that the best moments in our lives only last for a couple of seconds or minutes?
that we change for the people who, in the end, dont matter?
that we try so hard to make ourselves worthy in others eyes?
that when we do our best, people tell us its not good enough?
that we go out of our comfort zone to make someone else happy?
that we try to please others?
that we try to give a lasting impression?
that once we get what we want, we always want more?
that bad things happen to good people?
that some things just scar you for life, while others just fade into the past?
that just as you become happy, the real world comes crashing down on you?
that you cant forget the bad things youve done?
that the past haunts you to no end?
that I cant forget about all those bad days?
that I cant move on?
that I cant forget?
that I cant give up?
that I cant stop dreaming?
that I cant stop hoping?

Keep it going

Just when you think you've lost it all, life finds a way of surprising you. No joke. I've been shooting like crap for the last month because I started learning this new method, the BEST method. So my form had to completely change. I would show up for practice one day and the coach, Kisik Lee, or one of the resident archers would tell me that I was doing something completely wrong. So every weekend, I would be changing things around again, trying to find something that would please them but feel comfortable for me as well. Last night, I went to the shop I have been shooting at for 3 years in order to help out at the archery classes and practice my shooting. I probably hit the target only 20 times that night. I felt so screwed up. Today though, I had a competition down where the resident archers are and I was shooting incredibly. It was actually the highest I had ever shot for that type of competition. I was amazed. I ended up winning 1st place with a score of 640/720. Then Coach Lee tells my mom that he wants me to attend the Dream Team camp that was coming up in March. Only the best shooters who may become future Olympians are part of the team. I was introduced to Brady Ellison, one of my hero's, as well. Life really has a sick sense of humor.

That Feeling

I hate it. It's like I did something I wasn't supposed to do...but I didn't. I feel like my shomach is twisted in knots. Wrapping itself around again and again. What did I do? I didn't do anything wrong. My mind can't stop running. Scenes upon scenes of my day roll through my head, over and over. It won't stop. I can't sit still. I must do something. But when I try and occupy myself, I can't concentrate. Am I forgetting something? My homework lies unfinished on my desk. I can't do it. I can't even add an equation without getting frustrated and giving up. I feel like I should be asking for forgiveness...but from whom? The Lord? My friends? My parents? Things keep racing through my thoughts. Regrets, promises, hopes, disappointments. Endlessly going. Why won't they stop? I feel like crying. My hands are shaking. What is wrong with me? My head feels like it's going to explode. What's happening? I'm not sick. I'm perfectly healthy. I feel exhausted, but I can't sleep. Images keep me awake. Friends laughing. Movie nights. Paintballing. Shows. Games. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm falling into an abyss. Never ending. What am I regretting? What brought this on? Is the line between right and wrong becoming grayer? Am I going insane? Slowly losing my grasp on society? Retreating into a shell of isolation? No. I can't let that happen again. Never again. I don't want that pain. The longing to be someone when I know I'm not. I don't want to be that again. Something is eating away at me. What is it? It's going to drive me mad. I can't stop thinking. I think I'm losing it....

It is Done

So, today I decided I would create a blog. I had heard many people talk about them and I thought to myself, "Heck, I could do that. Why not?" So here I am. Trying out, yet again, something new. Maybe I'll like it. Maybe I won't. Only time will tell.